We have been aware of Caleb's lack of focus, attention to detail, and growing frustration with schoolwork since his preschool teachers pointed it out to us in a conference when he was only 5 years old. We chalked it up to his gender and age and prayed he'd grow past this stage. Kindergarten came and the first day of school his teacher (rather rudely in my opinion) pulled us happy-to-see-our-baby-in-elementary-school selves aside and promptly pointed out that he could not focus on a simple task. We were shocked. This was kinder, on the first day... aren't all kids a bit distracted? Needless to say I did not take the news well. My husband dealt with the new reminder with a grace I wish I had.
I cried. I railed. I even cursed his teacher. Who is SHE to tell me about MY baby??
Within months she recommend taking him to the pediatrician for the focus concern (teachers are not allowed to say ADD or anything like it as they will be seen as trying to diagnose). So we did. Our doctor was kind and sympathetic to our plight. He too pointed out his age and gender and recommended we wait and see. In the meantime we began efforts to curb his attention issues with behavioral therapy techniques and simple organizational skills (like using the minute hand on the clock to know how much time he had to finish a task.) His teacher worked with us from time to time, but often wasn't consistent and he would quickly fall behind in class. However, he was reading on grade level and writing (albeit reluctantly) fairly well with excellent penmanship.
In first grade, we heard the same observation (although this time more gently put) and a new troubling symptom began to crop up. Now that he was in full day school he had a longer day and a harder time adjusting to this new schedule. He also began the very troubling behavior of pooping in his pants in school. I was not too worried at first, thinking he had a tummy ache at school, etc. But when I realized he was pooping nearly every week I was alarmed. After all, this was my easiest potty-trained kid. Nary an accident since he was 2.5 years old and now he is pooping in his pants? He was mortified and I was frustrated.
Turns out his teacher (and it seems many do this) made a blanket statement that the children couldn't use the restroom during this or that time. I was shocked. These are 6 yr olds and you are restricting their bathroom habits in the first week of school? I had to quickly set her straight, much to her chagrin, as Caleb had began to retain for fear of disappointing the teacher. By then the damage was done, and no amount of her giving him permission ever helped him overcome this fear. We dealt with this issue all year, even after doctor's visits.
It turns out,after reading books on ADD I did find a small note by a doctor who observed boys with ADD do at times have bathroom regression. It has to do with their lack of self-monitoring abilities. Which made sense in Caleb's case.
Throughout first grade we fretted for him. We could see Caleb's sense of accomplishment in school dwindling as the year wore on. The writing and recalling info was hard for him and he often would just "check out." He would let his mind wander instead of asking for help, or more often distract himself by talking to his peers or messing with desk items. Doing anything but the task at hand. This was the year his teacher began to have to remind him to stay on task with a touch or a timer. We were always conferring to try new techniques to support him.
And all through this we talked about ADD but felt we weren't ready now (if ever) to medicate him. There was so much stigma. Would he become a Zombie? Would it stunt his growth? What would others think of him when they heard he was on meds? No, no we weren't ready.
Second grade began. The first day of school, after a whole summer free of accidents, he pooped his pants. His teacher had asked the students not use the restroom in the 10 minutes they were at Carpet Time. He immediately retained and fear set in. I talked to the teacher the 2nd day of school and informed her of his issues with this restriction. He was deeply embarrassed, but she had to know. She was very gracious... but the damage was done. He began accidents again on and off for months.And all the same issues with focus and tack completion came to the forefront with this teacher as well. We were like a broken record (or should I say CD these days?)
I talk a lot about school for Caleb's ADD, but it impacted his home life too. He often had to be reminded to complete a chore or a string of chores at home. A lot of frustration came from us to him in this regard. After being asked to do something several times without results tempers flared, emotions surfaced. To us, struggling to understand Caleb while raising him to be responsible was hard. Was it him? Was it our parenting? Why did he space out? Why did he cry when faced with the simplest of tasks? We had 4 years of "whys." And it to be honest we had wonderful phases at home and school where he was getting the groove, and we all smoothly sailing along. But one wave of discontent put us all adrift that took days, even weeks to correct. Only to start the cycle all over again.
Well, at Caleb's second midterm and another "lack of focus" and "does not complete tasks" I knew I was ready. Justin was ready. Caleb wa ready. He was melting down more often. His confidence shot and getting worse by the day. We feared he would hit a wall, sliding into the cracks, never to care or recover. It was heart-breaking to witness. And I know this feeling all too well, because as I child I lived it too. I struggled with school for YEARS. I was even held back in first grade for "lack of maturity." So I knew what he was feeling and I would do anything to take it away. This fear and self-loathing he was feeling was like an illness, a cancer and we had to cure him of it.
So in January, after a particularly emotional revelation from Caleb I promised him that mommy, daddy, and his teacher would find him a way to succeed. I admitted it may take awhile to figure something out, but we'd do our best, and he had to do his best too. We cried a lot that day.
I made an appointment immediately for an ADD evaluation with his pediatrician. In the week before that meeting I asked friends, family, anyone what their experience with ADD was and if they'd share it with me. I was impressed with the love, support and experience I was given.
Funny enough, one of my old high school buddies, that I hadn't conversed with since high school, had the best advice and support as his daughter had just been diagnosed with ADHD just 6 months before. And although I used to find his passion for the movie Pulp Fiction annoying in High School (as he knew it irked me to no end), he turned out to be a valuable resource on the subject from the viewpoint of a parent.
When the appointment came the three of us conferred with his pediatrician. In light of the years of documentation (at the doctor's office and at school) he determined Caleb does in fact have ADD, and the best way to treat ADD is with any of the meds that address this issue. Ritalin, Adderol, etc. Our doctor talked to Caleb candidly about what this drug is and how it works. We always left the decision to try it up to Caleb with the express knowledge that if he had any ill side effects we'd stop. He was eager to try the meds.
I did research these drugs previously, thus our reluctance to start them in the first place. They are habit forming and a Class C drug, thus no refills. Only month to month prescription in order to curb other family members from stealing pills. So we are aware of these drugs. By the time we got here, we felt the benefits of trying ADD meds outweighed the possible side-effects.
And when I asked the doctor if he was to take it even on non-school days he said yes; that ADD effects his social abilities just as much as his academic abilities. Then he turned to Caleb and said, "How about it Caleb? You take this medicine everyday and I'll bet it gets your mom and dad off your back." His eyes lit up and he vigorously nodded "YES!"
It was then I got teary, realizing how much this has affected his life.
Our appointment was on a Friday afternoon. Saturday morning we started him on 5mg of Adderol. We were told it takes affect immediately and works 12 hours, then is out of the system. That day Caleb asked to help Justin fold t-shirts. ASKED to help! That would never happen. He did his homework with nary a peep. None. Shock.
A few side-effects though:
- He once, on the first day had a tummy ache for about 15 minutes.
- It works 12 hours, so if we give the pill to him at 9am, then he will be up until at least 9 pm. So we have to be sure to give it to him before 8am no matter what in order for him to be able to sleep that night.
- Some days he does crash about an hour before the pill fully wears off. He is irritable, fussing, and even in tears.
- He eats a lot. Often. One of the side-effects is lack of appetite and growth retention due to this fact. I do not think we have to worry about that with Caleb.
- Taking a pill is hard, but he bravely discovered he can swallow one whole in a bite full of applesauce.
He is completing all his work.
She described him as "Present" and "connected."
He was asking for help when he needed clarity.
He talks now in class, sharing his knowledge with gusto and glee.
She hasn't had to put her hand on him to remind him of his task in more than a week.
She did tell me he still has trouble keeping up the pace with his writing, and problem solving. But now with the Adderol perhaps we can give him the skills he needs to succeed, as he is more receptive to learning and retaining a new skill. We are working on this together, the four of us.
Caleb is still the same quirky, quiet, thoughtful little boy. He is just more open, more here, rather than there. I feel so much closer to him. And even though he is still the emotionally reserved boy he has always as been, I can tell he is happy. He is gaining confidence. And this is what is so important to us for him. To feel love for himself, and in his abilities.
We are still just beginning this journey. But I will say I am very pleased with the outcome thus far. A huge weight has been lifted. I thank the Good Lord for carrying us through, for guiding us, and letting us find our way. He continues to carry us and I am grateful for that.
I do it all for you, sweetheart.
